My advice for coping with a breakup:
1. Take some time to cry. Not during happy hour or at work! Go home, grab yourself some tissues and just get it out of your system.
2. DON’T: call, text, e-mail, instant message, write on his Facebook wall, tell someone to talk to him for you, put a message inside a bottle and throw it into the ocean, use a carrier pigeon, or contact him in any way, shape, or form.
3. Put on your comfy sweat pants, take out a gallon of ice cream, and commence the best movie marathon EVER!
4. Look up videos of cute puppies and kittens on YouTube. Trust me it works!
5. Trash talk over margaritas with your girlfriends.
6. Buy yourself those stilettos you’ve been wanting for forever but never bought them because you didn’t want to be taller than him.
7. Thank yourself for having enough common sense not to get his name tattooed on you. And use that common sense when you visit the beauty salon for your mandatory post-breakup makeover. Highlights are okay… shaving your head Britney Spears style, NOT OKAY!
8. Shamelessly flirt with that coffee shop guy/bartender/random guy in the grocery store just because you can.
9. Delete all the pictures of you together and take some sexy pics just for yourself. Also, burn all those actual pictures you have together, along with anything else that he left. If luck is on your side, some sexy firefighters might show up.
10. Buy YOURSELF some diamond jewelry.
11. Do that one thing you’ve always wanted to try but never had the guts to.
12. Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you love yourself. . .flaws and all.
13. Take time to get to know yourself as a person. Take a class, travel the world, or whatever floats your boat. Who are you? What do you stand for? Don’t let a man define who you are.
14. Avoid any retaliation that could land you in jail. I’ve watched enough Discovery Channel tell that jail is not a fun place to be.
15. Laugh at snarky breakup quotes that make your day just that much better.
“I still miss my ex, but it's more fun watching him duck and run!”
“I ran into my EX the other day, so I put the car in reverse and hit him again.”
“Why don't you slip into something more comfortable like a coma?”
“My knight in shining armor turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil”
“I got the ring, he got the finger.”
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing he said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t like you, why would I want someone like you."
"Only time can heal your broken heart, just as time can heal his broken arms and legs." ~ Miss Piggy
16. Don’t hold on to the assumption that you might get back together in the future. It’s time to move on honey!
17. Know that there are millions of eligible men out there in the world. YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE NEW!
18. For the love of God DO NOT go to any engagement parties, bridal showers, weddings or similar function (especially if there is an open bar).
19. Tell your ex the truth about how many orgasms you faked.
20. And finally, pat yourself on the back for having a relationship that lasted longer than Kim Kardashian’s 72 day publicity stunt. . . I mean marriage.
Ted goes to the dark side
4 hours ago